The first thing I noticed was the loss of the nervous smile.  When Ted Haggard, pastor of a mega church and prominent figure in American Evangelicalism, was splashed across the media following reports of inappropriate relationships and alleged drug use, he had that forced smile look about him.  Last night on Larry King, the tense smile was gone.

     Here was someone who seemed to be truly taking a pilgrimage to understand himself, take responsibility for the lives damaged from his actions, saying things like, 'Life is a process, a journey, I am still learning about ...', allowing for work he still needed to do.  He did not blame his behavior on 'demons' or other people, but said he was responsible for his actions.

     No doubt the ripples from his choices are and will be felt by his former congregation and those directly affected by his actions; one should not nor can not sentimentalize any of that.  Haggard did not.  He watched painful clips of himself and of interviews with others and did not try to brush them aside.

   At one point, in response to a question from Larry King about what he was learning, he replied, "I listen a lot more, I am much more compassionate..."  Later in the program, his son said, "Through this, we have gotten our father back."

    Compassion.  When we are broken open, a true grace of that is the learning of compassion. Most of us will not be broken open in the public manner of Ted Haggard, yet all of us experience brokenness at differing levels.  It seems there are at least two responses to brokenness, a hardening of our hearts and/or the growth of compassion.  Sometimes we first travel through the former to get to the latter.  Sometimes we get to the latter without the former.

     I found myself growing in compassion for Ted Haggard.  I do not minimize his actions and the countless lives which are still in the process of being put back together.  I do not minimize the importance of accountability for our actions.  And I realize that anger and rage alone do not a life create.  At some point compassion must be the land to which we are journeying.  Compassion for ourselves and for all others.  Only then will we ever find the peace and freedom for which we are created.

Todd Donatelli